Online Bullying Is Real, Unite To Stop Bullies

Thinking things out -- the key to being creative; thinking things out -- the key to being successful, thinking things out -- the key standing on your own two feet instead of looking for someone else to help you stand up. Thinking things out carefully, patiently and slowly will almost always give you better results than just blindly responding to verbal attacks and verbal abuse online.

All Kinds Out There: Sometimes it is easy to forget that there are all kinds on the net, all kinds in message boards, chat rooms and in other public networking areas on the web. You meet some regular people, professional people, and then you become comfortable communicating with them in message boards and in chat rooms. What you forget is that in the mix of everyone, in the hodgepodge of chat rooms, message rooms and online groups, there are always a few who might become fixated on you, obsessed with you and intolerant of you as a human being. They notice that you are there, and then after they have chosen you as a target they begin their childish games of trying to do verbal battle with you. The reason that you forget that people like this are there and that they exist in your networking circles is because most people are not like them. Most people are reasonable and professional and then you become comfortable with the most responses.

Hidden in Dark Corners: Then there hidden in the dark corners of some online groups, message boards and chat rooms is that little one who, whether due to insecurity or jealousy, becomes fixated on you and begins to berate or verbally attack you or even becomes fixated on you. They might keep writing to you or addressing you even though you are obviously ignoring them and not answering them. No one knows why they become fixated on one individual but what they begin doing is changing your words, misquoting you and reading things into what you write in an effort to paint a certain picture of you in the chat room or online group. Your best bet is to ignore them because they are not worth answering and if you do answer, they probably will not understand you or they will simply misquote you or read things into what you write.

Bully's Goals:

• To separate you from your friends and associates.

• To embarrass you, cause you harm or pain.

• To take something away from you

• Stop the competition (Some bullies are jealous when other people achieve goals or become successful).

So, knowing those are the bully's goals, and knowing your options in all situations gives you better awareness of how to solve the problem.

Chat Rooms, Online Groups & Message Boards: Some online groups, chat rooms and message boards can packed with those types of individuals and you might not know it until the individuals begin acting like children (rather worse than children because for the most part, children are kind and of good nature). So what do you do when you run into this type of person online? You have so many options open to you; it is your choice which option you use.

Handle Fixations, Verbal Abuse & Verbal Attacks: (For Adults)

1. First, know and realize that no matter what that person types or says about you, you are a valuable person, a warm, caring individual who is not diminished by what others feel, say or type about you.

2. When the individual types to you, if that individual addresses you by names that you have told them not to use, or addresses you by name-calling, verbal attacks, accusations or verbal abuse, ignore the individual as you would ignore a child who is behaving badly. (In the real life situation of a child behaving badly, you would use a different method and you would reason, talk with, explain and communicate with the child but when an adult is acting like a child, you use the full ignore process).

3. If the individual keeps it up, you can step up the ignore (by responding to other individuals in the group so that the offending person knows you are obviously ignoring them and the group knows you are obviously ignoring them). Sometimes when you are in a group online, an offender might not recognize they are being ignored if you do not participate with others. They, having great egos, might think that you are just away from the group or not at your computer, if you have no response to others in the group. So that is why it is important for you to make your presence known from time to time while ignoring the offending individual.

4. Be you and do not become like them. (Most times they will become fixated on you and they will constantly badger you with messages or posts, with some that even make no sense. In their haste to respond to you in the group or chat room, they will type sentences -some which make no sense at all to the average person. So, by not responding in haste to them and by not feeling the need to answer them or answer them quickly, you stay out of their world even if you are in the same chat room or online group. When they post verbal abuse, name-calling or verbal put-downs or attacks, do not feel the need to immediately respond to them. (Sometimes people feel that they have to immediately defend themselves against verbal attacks and so they immediately answer, defending themselves in the group or chat room. The best reaction is no reaction. So if you can avoid responding, not matter what they have typed about you or to you, then that is your best option, avoid responding to them.

5. Once they notice you are ignoring them, they might have a friend in the room type similar things or type a message directed to you. Feel free to ignor that friend also. Remember there are enough people in this world that you do not have to respond to every single person that types to or about you. Continue to ignore people who offend you, whether it is the original offender or their friend.

6. Respond to those who are not taking part in the childish game that the offender has begun. Use your presence in the group or chat room to benefit you or your friends. You can enjoy being anywhere online as long as you know how to respond or not respond to individuals who are there for the sole purpose of verbally attacking people.

7. Remember your purpose in the group, be there for that purpose, and enjoy the parts of the group that fit in with your reason for being there. Allow yourself to enjoy the group, the networking, the resources and the membership in the group or chat room by focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative.

8. What Next? Many readers ask, what do I do when I ignore and ignore and keep ignoring but the individual seems fixated on demanding answers, demanding responses? What do I do when that individual ignores my ignoring him? That is a great question. It almost makes one smile, imagining the offender ignoring your attempts to ignore him. What would the average person do? The average person might be frustrated and then respond to the individual. They might resort to becoming like the person and responding in haste and responding in not a very nice way. However, you are different than the average person, so you will not respond like that, and you will continue to ignore the individual in that chat room or online group or message board. You never get anywhere by responding to people who are fixated on you and your presence. So, what do you do then? You still have many options open to you.

Try these:

• Make a great effort to continue to ignore the person. (If you are in a chat room, you can leave your name in there and actually leave the room and go do the dishes or go write some letters to friends, go to the store or do things that take you away from the offender. By doing this, by leaving your name in the group but by not responding to the verbal attacker, they never know that you are not even there at the computer. You continue to ignore them and go about your daily routine. What this does is it allows you to have a presence in the chatroom or message board to show that you are not running away from a person who is apparently bullying you. Your name / presence remains, yet you do not get tangled in their verbal abuse or attacks because you are simply not there to see them.

• You can leave the group or chat room, delete your name and presence from those places so that you have no further contact at all with the offender. This is not the best choice because by leaving there you lose contact with your friends -- and all because of one offender. This is probably what the offender would want. After all, what bully would not want the victim to be separated from his friends? Bullies like people who are alone and separated from groups. So, by leaving, you separate yourself from the group, chat room or online message board , not just from the bully but from others in the group who are your friends.

• You can begin your own group and invite people there and you can use that group for the purposes of your own networking and communication. You can still remain in the first online chat room, message board or group. Just because you begin your own group that does not mean that you have to run from the bully.

• If the bullying, verbal attacks or verbal abuse continues, you can consider properly reporting the person to their internet service providers and to other authorities who handle those types of complaints.

• Consider taking your time away from the message board, chat room or online group and focusing on improving your life, doing great positive things for yourself, expanding your horizons, and working more towards your goals. You can do this instead of spending that time in the group, networking or message board areas of the net. You can do things that you have been putting off for a long time. Now that you have this newly found time, you can achieve things that will heighten your position in your career or you can take actions that give you more time to spend with your friends and family. In other words, focus on yourself, rather than focus on the offending individual.

• Take the false power away from the offender. (I will explain this in detail in another article and I will give examples and ideas on how to do this. One of the ways you can do this is to agree with the verbal attacker. (For example, if the verbal attacker states that you are stupid, you might have a response of something like, gee, you could be right, I must be stupid! You are saying this smiling, knowing that you are just humoring the verbal attacker. But by you agreeing with the offender, you have stopped his power to argue more about it. After all, what can he say now that you have already admitted you are stupid? Of course, everyone, including you, knows that you are not stupid, so the joke is not on you. But you have taken the power away from him by stopping his verbal attack cold. So, that is just one example of how to stop a bully. I will explain more and give more examples in a future article on the topic.

It is a natural human response to want to defend ourselves when we meet verbal attackers online but you must do everything you can do to not respond to these individuals in those online places. Take yourself out of it emotionally. It does not matter if the offender is so emotionally involved in the process, you take yourself out of it by improving your own experiences and by bringing more joy and creativity into your own life. You ask how?

Try these:

1. Begin your own free website. Do a search for free websites and see what you come up with. Read the fine print and know what you are getting into before you sign any agreements.

2. Pick up a hobby; take up tennis or yoga for a few hours a week. Improve your health and your lifestyle, improve your imagination and your creativity. Do this for yourself. What kind of hobby or sport are you interested in ?

3. Write a book or an article about your different experiences. Be productive and creative. Since you have had the experience of being a victim of bullying, you might want to write an article about the topic.

4. Start an online group on how to deal with bullies. You can start information sessions, groups or clubs at your places of business or in your own communities. This could be like a Pay It Forward type of experience. You can share your experience and at the same time, you can help others.

5. If your child or teen is being bullied online, check this website. This site and some others have great advice on how to stop bullies.

Bottom line is this, you must help yourself if you want the verbal attacks to stop. Ignoring the online bully (if you are an adult) is the best way to go. (Children and teens should immediately report the incidents to their parents, guardians and or teachers). One of the best ways to defeat the bully's purpose is to go further in your own life, take grand steps towards your goals and become more connected rather than disconnected. (By that we mean instead of running away from groups and online message boards because a bully has scared you, go forward and keep connected with your friends and associates online and in real life. I understand that victims who are bullied have a hard time enjoying a normal life because bullies hurt people. Being bullied might even affect your memory. So, this is for you, I am summing this article up in two short sentences so that it is easier for you to remember everything that you read here.

1. Ignore bullies.
2. Tell someone that you trust that you are being bullied.
3. Stay strong; you are not alone!

That's all for today. Feel free to email me anytime.

Author has read and studied psychology for many years. And has attended courses in one of the largest cities in America. She has written articles on various topics.

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